It's Just Us

Gravity keeps working whether it’s convenient or not

Ever notice how difficult it can sometimes be to get ahead of the proverbial curve? There are times in my life when things seem to be getting along just fine. Then, out of the blue, reality rears its ugly head and I’m brought back to earth with a resounding, echoing, screaming thud (don’t think thuds can echo or scream? You should hear one of mine). This entire past week has apparently been one of those times when reality said, “Dude, pay attention!” Did I listen to reality? Give me a break. Who has time for reality?

Last Monday I decided to move my computer’s speakers. I’ve wanted to move them for a few months or so and finally decided that “today’s the day.” Motivation hit at the exact same time that I had a few extra minutes. What is it with me that I think I can do something in a few minutes? Why do I think that way?

I gathered all the necessary things like drills (to drill holes in the wood bookcase for speaker wire), screwdrivers and pliers (don’t know why, but they seem to be a requirement for just about everything) the speaker wire extensions, Band-Aids, Diet Pepsi, etc, etc.

Now I realize that some of you may, in the future, want to move your own speakers so, in the interest of being the upright public servant that I pretend to be, here are the exact steps I took. Should you follow them, I take no responsibility for any injury, dismemberment, or death.

Moving speakers the hard way
1. Stare at the speakers
2. Measure speakers to make sure they will fit in the bookcase
3. Open bag from Fry’s Home Electronics with speaker wire extensions
4. Realize you bought the wrong thing and go back to Fry’s
5. Now that you’re home from Fry’s once again, get something to drink and head back to the project
6. Remove books from the shelves that will hold the speakers. Ask yourself if you really do need to keep that old paperback dictionary you haven’t opened since you started using dictionary.com. Throw away 1959 version of dictionary
7. Now that the shelves are empty, place cloths under where you’re planning to drill to catch at least some of the sawdust (drill dust?)
8. Drill holes (this assumes you remembered to charge the drill or brought an extension cord and have the drill bit in the correct size)
9. Drill like a fiend until you have holes large enough for the speaker wire heads
10. Clean up the dust
11. Stand back to admire your work and notice that the clock you placed on the shelf is tilting in a way that no clock, or most anything else for that matter, is supposed to tilt
12. You look at the clock and determine that, yes, it is indeed leaning and you look at the shelves wondering what the heck is going on
13. Aahhhhhhhhhhh! You realize that the entire bookcase that is mounted on the wall over your desk (and by extension your computer), holding at least 200 books (yes, hardback), is not as flush against the wall as it most definitely should be. You, because it falls in line with all the other goofy stuff you do, push against the shelf a couple of times to determine just how loose the bookcase really is. Well it’s very loose
14. You now very slowly take your hands off the bookcase and while it’s still hanging there and scramble like mad yanking books off of those shelves
15. You get the books off, get a piece of wood to prop the case up and tiptoe downstairs and call a handyman.
16. Handyman comes, looks at the case, shakes his head (it’s required for guys to do that) and the two of you head to Home Depot to get the necessary things to mount the case in a much better way than the first time
17. Back home, with a higher balance on the Home Depot credit card
18. Now to work!
19. Handyman fixes the case; it’s guaranteed to withstand earthquakes, children doing pull-ups and, yes, hardcover books
20. Write another check
Back to the original project which was moving two speakers
21. Dust shelves, vacuum floor, put tools away
22. Unhook speakers from the computer
23. Place speakers in the bookcase, thread speaker wire through the lovely holes you drilled, and plug back into computer
24. Replace books on the shelves
25. Grab a cold one and sip it while listening to Wes Montgomery’s “a Day in the Life” and sit back and let the music flow over you like warm Pacific surf while vowing to forget about any other projects for at least the next few months.