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Road Rage on the Information Superhighway
…and other brief thoughts…
The other day I was working at the computer, trying to find information about a specific place in England. After spending what seemed like hours pounding out all sorts of arcane and confusing net ad-dresses on a keyboard, I had to give up. The net is no place for a rational person, not that I’ve never actu-ally considered myself rational, but you know what I mean.
In the media of late there have been far too many stories of something called “road rage.” This affliction used to be called mad-as-hell-at-that-idiot-driver-from-Miami-up-ahead syndrome but road rage sounds so much cooler. Now, of course, everyone in media has picked it up and pretty soon we’ll see “Road Ragers – Next Oprah!” That is if Bravo doesn’t beat her to it and create a new TV series based on it (Queer Eye for the Straight Road Rager?)
Rage from being stuck in traffic, as bad as it may be, is one thing, but there is something much worse. Much, much worse. It’s called Info Rage. Spending too much time, and then becoming frustrated, on the information superhighway, brings about this horrible anger. And a horrible rage it is – I’ve seen grown men reduced to tears, I’ve seen grown women physically pick up a computer and crash it to the ground.
I believe we need to set up a department at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta to see what can be done to aid those walking around with this blind anger. For the small cost of just a few billion dol-lars we ought to be able to come up with something resembling a cure. I volunteer to head the organiza-tion. Well, not volunteer, of course, but my salary wouldn’t be all that high, seeing what psychologists get to help people live with the rage and all.
In fact, I’m pretty sure there is a cure for Info Rage. The problem is, the cure is not cheap and people don’t seem to want to spend the money on something that’s good for them. But that’s another col-umn. The cure is simply this: Turn off the computer (yes, this part may take a family intervention, but with enough patience it can be done).
After the computer is off, jump in the car and head for the nearest airport and get on a plane (after going though the required Homeland Security check points, of course). The destination doesn’t really mat-ter, but a place that’s balmy and warm would be good.
While you’re there be sure to swim, eat well, and stay far away from any electronic device. This includes computers, Palm Pilots, cell phones, etc. Please note that this does not include cardiac pacemak-ers.
A couple of thoughts having nothing whatever to do with information or superhighways
Not to change the subject or anything, but I’ve developed a fantastic new way to lose weight. No special diets are involved and you don’t need to buy any particular food or dietary supplement. No, it doesn’t involve stapling any part of the body. I bring this up now since you don’t want to head to a tropical paradise looking 137 pounds over weight.
Since you’re probably breathless with anticipation about this new diet, I won’t keep you in sus-pense any longer. This fantastic new product is Miles’ Exercise-While-You-Eat Program. You just strap weights on your wrists anytime you eat. You’ll burn calories every time you move your arm taking bites. You add more weight to the wrist depending on just how much you want to lose on a one-to-one basis.
Want to lose one pound? Strap on a one-pound weight. Want to lose one hundred pounds? Sim-ply strap to your wrists one hundred pounds (okay, not really strap but through an operation permanently fuse a chain to your wrist bones and attach those to the weights. That way there’s no cheating). Also, you can add extra weight to help speed your weight loss. The more weight on the wrist, the faster you lose. Nothing could be simpler. Look for a forty-five dollar book on this revolutionary new diet coming soon. Or, if you don’t have time to read, you could come to my seminars. I’ll be holding seminars in cities throughout the country in a location near you. Cost is minimal – certainly less than the cost of 300 prime rib dinners (with wine). Plus, if you bring a friend and that friend signs up, you get yours for half price! And if that friend brings a friend and that friend brings a friend, well, in no time at all yours could be free! And then you could start your own program of miracle weight loss seminars and get rich in just days! And if those people signed up…wait, it’s sounding too much like multi-level marketing. Never mind (call me later – we’ll talk).
Just imagine if all the people who come up with various multi-level marketing and other scams actually spent that time doing something worthwhile. Those people, the ones you ultimately see being carted off to jail, are very smart people (not smart enough to keep out of jail but no one’s perfect). After all, they have to come up with the plan, design it, sell it, and stay ahead of the legal profession. What if all that intelligence was put to good use? We could have pollution-free cars, calorie-free food, clothes that never got dirty or wrinkled, and sauerkraut that actually tasted good. Okay, that last thing would never happen – could never happen, but we could have some pretty good things anyway.
So here’s the plan – for every good invention that a prisoner comes up with, their prison time is reduced by 1%. There are thousands of prisoners. Give them a good incentive to try and do something for the good of humanity and reward it with something the prisoner values. Let’s just see what happens.
San Diego, darkening skies (both from sundown and gathering clouds – wouldn’t it be nice if rain was at least a bit involved?) and my new external hard drive (known around here as the keeper of the flame). It quietly sits, monitors, saves, and protects. What’s the motto of the San Diego Police Dept – “To Serve and Protect?” – well they don’t hold a candle to my glowing little hard drive. I’m enthralled, at peace, and have one more little thing to check off the to-do-immediately-at-any-cost-more-or-less list. It’s crossed off and now I’ve got the list down to 487 items. I’m on a roll here – don’t get in the way.
Wow, Miles! A great move here. I know this would be an interesting one. Will be visiting frequently….
Hey Miles…If you’re thinking dessert on Tues eves, Bill and I once shared a slice of apple pie ala mode. Was terrific! Can you eat apples?
Howdy Miles. Looks like you just started a blog. I started one in January, and I’m well into it now. I write once a week at http://nicolettet.wordpress.com
Am I your first visitor?
Not the first but close! And yep, I started one – we’ll have to see where it takes me. I’ve had a couple of “mini” ones before but this is the first full-on blog. “Ah, the places they’ll go…”
Let’s ignore Mondays. Everybody starts off on the wrong foot, rolls out of bed on the wrong side. We’re all cranky. Let’s start with Tuesday, which is much more reasonable – and much closer to Friday! I’d like to hear a few bad Monday stories.
You want bad Monday stories? Please – that’s too bloody easy. Most Monday stories are bad. Let’s hear some good Monday stories! You know, the Monday story where someone fell asleep in bed while smoking a cigar and would have died in a horrible fire had the bathroom sink not been dripping. But dripping it was which made the sleeping person need to go to the bathroom which they did, in bed, without waking up, thereby putting ut the fire. And all was saved, even the sleeping cat who would have roused his owner to the danger had she not so enoyed the smell of smoldering sheets that she refused to move from her bed. Now there’s a great Monday story!
Miles – A good start! Congratulations. I can’t wait to see where this goes.
Pick your topic, Miles! :)))