Something is gonna get you if you don’t watch out!
Planet Earth is a dangerous place to raise kids and other living things. Have you ever taken a real good look at all the things that can mess with your life? There are things out there that play havoc with our bodies, our minds, our emotions.
One day (okay, it was a bit slow and I was bored – just never mind) I decided to take a brief inventory of all the things that we have to watch for, be careful of, avoid and remember to do. Well that list got far too long for the computer to want to remember – it started beeping at me whenever I came in the room.
So I gave up on that idea and instead just listed a few of the things some friends and I could think of over dinner one night. Funny thing was, the more we drank – I mean ate – the longer the list got (again!). So I cut out a bunch of it and what follows are simply the highlights of the list that every grown person should be deathly afraid of. Or at least think about occasionally between innings or during commercials.
You’ve been right all along – they are out to get you
If aspartame doesn’t cause you death, great bodily or psychic injury, or a warped personality, the following will:
Global warming
Artificial food ingredients
Counterfeit drugs
French fries
Hamburgers
Fried anything
Air Pollution
Water Pollution
Asbestos
The sun
Makeup
Alcohol
Tobacco (in any form)
City water runoff
Africanized killer bees
Africanized killer ants
Lead (in food, paint, gas)
The whole damn AMA
New diseases
Old diseases
Gang violence
Violence in schools
Violence
Car hijacking
Tainted beef, poultry, fruit, eggs
Toxic people
Hyper-macho coaches
Hyper-macho cockroaches
Land fills
Freon
Styrofoam
Don’t give up yet – we’re just getting started
Plastic
Trans-fats
Cholesterol
Caffeine
Food coloring
Food flavorings
Not wearing seatbelts
Wearing seatbelts
Synthetic Clothes
Synthetic food
Synthetic fiber
Synthetic medicine
Synthetic anything and everything
Pit bulls
Idiots who say things like “Guns don’t kill, people kill”
Electric fields
Magnetic fields
Living under electric transmission lines
Voting for liberals who want to give the whole country away to godless commies
Voting for conservatives who would rather let someone starve or go without clothes or an education in or-der to buy more bombers
Voting
Not voting
Politicians
Back room deals
Hang on – we’ve got more to go
In-laws
Out-laws
Laws in general
Lack of laws
Too many laws
Hepatitis C
Athlete’s foot
Auto-immune diseases
Mad cow disease
Gum disease
STDs
Any disease
Every disease
The Center for Disease Control
FBI
CIA
Your Government
My Government
Any government
No government
Racism
Sexism
Ageism
Any “ism”
The ADA
Lack of the ADA
Obesity
Childhood obesity
Societal ills
Population increase
Nuclear proliferation
Nuclear power
Lack of nuclear power
Don’t forget the germs!
Germs on:
Doorknobs
Light switches
Seats
Movie theaters
Drinking fountains
Faucets
Tables
Shopping carts
Entire public restrooms
Food
Kitchen counters
Restaurant tables
Oh, the heck with it – there are germs everywhere and they are all out to get us (yes, the germs are getting personal)
Enough already!!!
And finally, one last thing to be afraid of: Pennies! Now come on, aren’t you honestly tired of pennies? Most pennies are in children’s banks, in drawers, in car seats, on the ground. And when they’re on the ground, most people won’t so much as bend down to pick them up. By getting rid of pennies the Treasury will save millions of dollars by no longer minting and replacing them and we won’t have to carry the use-less things around.
That’s really why you should be afraid of pennies: they’re just bloody annoying! And something annoying can raise your blood pressure which can help kill you. True, it’s a bit of a stretch but it’s my blog so what the hell – deal with it. Hey, just be careful out there!
