Finally! A horoscope you can believe in just as much as all the others
If you’re like so many other people on this warming, cuddly planet of ours, you think that it would be nice to know what’s going to happen to all of your social media efforts. That certainly makes sense to me because, personally, I’ve never been all the fond of surprises either (although if someone were to give me a new Bentley I’d probably love surprises in a hurry).
By some estimates (those I could find with a Google and Wikipedia search lasting at least a few seconds) astrology has “been around for at least 3000 years and perhaps much longer. A person’s horoscope, or birth chart, depends on the time of the calendar year that she or he was born. The year is composed of twelve sections which make up the zodiac. Each section is called a sign. The zodiacs correspond to twelve constellations.” There’s much more to it than just that, of course, but any more and my head would probably explode and that’s never a good thing.
The point of all this (and you were starting to wonder, weren’t you?) is that I’ve been working on something called Miles Astrological Designs (M.A.D.). And M.A.D. is guaranteed (but don’t call me if you have a problem – I’m out of the office that day) to offer you the opportunity to possibly see into your own (or someone else’s) social media future. Maybe.
So below are the twelve zodiac signs and corresponding months for those of you who may have forgotten because of all the other things going on in your life.
M.A.D. signs of the Zodiac with your social media horoscope
Aries: March 21 – April 20
You are destined to spend a great deal of your life looking for cool fonts. As far as the future goes, well, good luck with that. You will work hard, play occasionally and, if you’re lucky, you’ll meet someone who has more followers than you. Lucky color: sand
Taurus: April 21 – May 21
You’ll spend your life fixing the world and then breaking it again. You’re strong and people will resent you for that and will tweet about it. Get over it; you’ve never cared what the world thought so far, why start now? Lucky color: leather brown
Gemini: May 22 – June 21
You keep trying to find former high school friends. Facebook has banned you. Lucky color: pale sushi brown
Cancer: June 22 – July 22
You are still deeply annoyed at the name of your sign and even more annoyed that no one paid the slightest bit of attention at the petition you sent around to change the name. Lucky color: dark brown
Leo: July 23 -August 21
Ah, the strong lion. You’re tough, fire off opinions to strange blogs, and wish all those cancer weirdos would leave you alone. If they don’t like the name of their sign they should just change it and quit whining to you about it. Lucky color: dark rust
Virgo: August 22 – Sept 23
You hated this sign as a kid because you thought it was vertigo and heights didn’t make you dizzy so what’s up with that? But then you grew older, realized the sign was Virgo, and said to yourself, “Well, never mind” and headed for the nearest Starbucks for a double latte with whipped cream while you posted to their website. Lucky color: Latte brown
Libra: Sept 24 – October 23
You love breathing, eating, and you love a glass of water occasionally. You like people when they mind their manners and no, you won’t watch anyone’s kids. Making nasty comments to decorator websites is your idea of a great Sunday afternoon. Lucky color: Mississippi mud
Scorpio: Oct 24 – Nov 22
You’ve always been a spidery kind of individual, great legs, vicious sting, and not one to be messed with. You have lots of followers but are inclined to drop them just for the hell of it. Lucky color: scorpion tan
Sagittarius: Nov 23 – Dec 22
Archery? Get real. The only thing you like to shoot are whiskey shooters and even then you’re picky about who you shoot them with. But you’re cute and your tweets are read so you can usually get away with it. Lucky color: teak
Capricorn: Dec 23 – Jan 20
You despise this sign because you are not a goat; you’re dependable only when you feel like it, and stable? Only in the right mood and even then the mood won’t last long. You do make good fudge which keeps you in the family – but only barely, especially after you told everyone in your LinkedIn page to f* off. Lucky color: goatskin
Aquarius: Jan 21 – Feb 19
Age of Aquarius? A social conscience? Sure, okay. You love helping people but distance is good too. Your iPhone case is baby blue. Lucky color: bamboo
Pisces: Feb 20- Mar 20
You like this sign because you love goldfish and your screensaver is filled with them. Lucky color: Clam shell brown
So did M.A.D. nail you or what? I know, I know, you’re simply amazed at my mental ability to transcend space and time. What can I say? Some of us have this remarkable ability and most of you do not. But not to worry: for a small fee I’ll be more than happy to offer a personal reading. Please make a reservation, and remember, dollars, yen, pound, yuan, pesos or euros only – no checks or credit cards.
Quote source: Wikipedia