Still Amazed

Do you ever wonder where we learn all the weird things we know?  I’m not talking about intellectual things or the knowledge one gets from school or life.  I’m speaking of all of the strange or bizarre stuff we hear. Certainly much of the weirdness we get probably comes from our families. There’s nothing like a parent or grandparent to tell us all sorts of bizarre stories.

For instance, there is the number thirteen.  It’s supposed to be bad luck. What about walking under a ladder?  That also might bring bad luck.  There are so many things in life that (maybe, possibly, not a chance) bring both good and bad luck that it’s almost impossible to keep up with them all.  There are bad luck numbers (at least according to a fortune cookie I once opened in a restaurant).  The same fortune cookie also gave me a list of good luck numbers but so far they haven’t worked.

It’s all just so much nonsense those old bad luck signs.  We need some new bad luck signs, signs created for life in the twenty-first century.

Updated bad luck signs:

1. A flat tire (what, you thought this would be good?);
2.  Clouds of black smoke coming from the same oven holding dinner;
3. Green swimming pool water (this is different from yellow which is also bad);
4. Drooling dogs about to jump on your lap;
5. Spiders (any color);
6. A big green bug headed for your windshield;
7. Bats headed for your head;
8. The sound of a rattlesnake as you enter your bathroom late at night;
9. The screeching of car tires behind you as you jog;
10. The sound of, “honey, could you…” (fill in the blank yourself);
11. The words “trust me”;
12. The sentence “Could I interest you in…” (another fill in the blank yourself);
13. The Health Department sign on the outside of a restaurant with the big letter B on it;
14. It’s three in the morning, you’re in the desert on the freeway headed for Phoenix, and you glance at the instrument panel and realize you forgot to get gas because the fuel gauge reads “empty” and you’re no fool;
15. A headache (what, you thought a headache was good luck? Okay, maybe if you’re going to work and a headache makes you stop at the drugstore for aspirin and because of that you miss a huge traffic accident.  But other than something like that, a headache is definitely bad luck);
16. Answering the phone and the person on the other end mispronounces your name.  When that happens it’s usually a telephone solicitation.  Someone wants to sell you something, wants you to donate something, or someone wants you to switch phone carriers. This is never good luck…well, unless it’s someone selling Girl Scout cookies – that’s very good luck;
17. A knock on the front door by a young man wearing a tie;
18. Waking up in the morning and the carpet is soaked;
19. You notice that the air conditioner is blowing hot air – ooh, this is a very bad sign;
20. Any sort of rumbling sound while you’re skiing.

There are, of course, hundreds of thousands of other examples of bad luck. To list them all would bore both of us and why go there, ya know?