Still Amazed...It's Just (all of) Us

People with disabilities in this nation – and indeed in the world – have many more problems than just simply the disability they are coping with, however difficult life is with a disability.

About 54 million Americans live with a wide array of physical, cognitive and emotional disabilities. Crime victims with disabilities and their families are even less likely to reap the benefits of the criminal justice system.

Sixty-eight percent to 83 percent of women with developmental disabilities will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, which represents a 50 percent higher rate than the rest of the population. And in many instances, crime victims with disabilities do not have physical access to services. More than the physical access, they also may not have access to representation – either legal or emotional.

Attitudes

Attitudes toward the person with a disability are as important as or more so than physical accessibility. A crime may go unreported for many reasons: mobility or communication barriers, the social or physical isolation of the victim, a victim’s normal feelings of shame and self-blame, ignorance of the justice system or the perpetrator is a family member or primary caregiver.

Reporting agencies often fail to note that the victim had a disability, especially if someone other than the victim reports the crime.  Sometimes that may be the error of the reporter, and at other times it may be that the disability – especially if it is mental – may not be recognized.

Assumptions and prejudice about the reliability of the testimony of victims with disabilities can deny them access to justice in the courts.  How often will a jury believe someone’s testimony when that person has a mental disability?

The vulnerable

Many people with disabling conditions are especially vulnerable to victimization because of their real or perceived inability to fight or to flee, notify others and/or testify about the victimization.  The person committing the crime simply sees that person as helpless.  And there are prisons filled with men and women who commit crimes against the helpless.

Additionally, the victimization may worsen existing health or mental health problems. This may make it even more difficult to seek help, or make it more difficult to be helped if it is sought.

Many offenders are motivated by a desire to obtain control over the victim and measure their potential prey for vulnerabilities.

People with disabilities are also vulnerable to abuse by the very professionals and other caregivers who provide them with services. Approximately 48 percent of the perpetrators of sexual abuse against people with disabilities had gained access to their victims through disability services.

Victimization

It is not just individuals with developmental disabilities who suffer very high rates of victimization. A study of psychiatric inpatients found that 81 percent had been physically or sexually assaulted.

The Colorado Department of Health estimates that upward of 85 percent of women with disabilities are victims of domestic abuse. This compares with, on average, 25 to 50 percent of the general population.  Why the greater amount?  Because of a disabled individual perceived inability to fight back?  Or is it because of the inability of the abusing spouse to take the disability into consideration in the relationship itself?

A crime victim with a disability or a person who becomes disabled due to crime may not have the resources or the physical stamina to cope with the many delays and hurdles that typically occur in the criminal justice system.  First they suffer the crime, and then they have to suffer the problems with the system.

Generally, individuals with disabilities are far more likely to suffer greater problems than their disability conveys upon them.  In other words, the disabilities are far greater than are ever apparent.  And the problems keep growing, money becomes ever scarcer to help the individuals, and society too often looks the other direction.

How is this possible? How can a civilization look away? More than that, how can people look away?

Part of the “looking away” problem may come because of fear, or inability to cope, or just overload. We may become so overloaded with things we should do, things we must do, things we know we need to do, that after a while it becomes easy to look away.

How many times have you looked away as you stop at a light and someone is on the corner or median asking for money or food? How many times have you looked away – or walked past – someone at the entrance to a story you’re going in? How many times do you look away? How many times do I look away?

When will we stop looking away?

All statistics, unless otherwise noted, are from: U.S. Department of Justice, Office for Victims of Crime Bulletin. (2001).

What will you leave?

Think about what is in your desk, your car, your bedroom and bathroom, and your office.  Now think about someone going through all that stuff of yours.  Is there anything you don’t want seen?  What will someone think when they see it?

Imagine if you never walked into your office or house again, what would be found?  What would be found in your wallet or purse?  Your bedside table?  Your car?  Your desk?  I’m not sure, but I think that the things we leave behind, the things we leave because we had no warning or choice in the matter, will probably speak volumes about us.

The things we leave behind

1) Keys (those that fit something and those that no longer do – and haven’t for years)

2) Wallet or purse – what is in your wallet right now, or your purse? An old love note? A faded picture? Credit card receipts? Phone numbers? Directions to a forgotten place? Pictures? Business cards?

3) Books – what books are you leaving?  Are they trashy novels? Good novels? Biographies? Travel books?  What did you read and what is the evidence of it? Or, perhaps the worst thing, aren’t you leaving any books at all?

4) Toiletries – what is in your bathroom cabinet, drawer, or shelf?  A cologne or perfume? Makeup? A deodorant? Does the toothpaste tube still have the imprint from your fingers?  How about medicines? What medicines must be tossed now that they’re no longer needed?

5) Clothes – what clothes do you have hanging in your closet or folded in your dresser?  What’s in there that when someone sees it will make them instantly think of you?  Is anything there that smells slightly of your scent? Does the person removing the clothes gingerly touch them and remember the last time they were worn? Does it bring a tear?

6) Car – what does your car have in it right now?  What is in the trunk or the glove compartment? What will the things say about where you drove last?  What do the gas receipts reveal?  Will the car immediately be sold or kept? Who will drive it?

7) Look around.  See anything with your writing on it?  Any notes?  Shopping lists?  Old cards you’ve saved?  What has your handwriting on it, your signature? Our handwriting can say a great deal about us – what does yours say about you?  Were you methodical? Were you always in a hurry? Were you just sloppy?

8) Food or drinks – what’s in the house that you particularly liked to eat or drink? Is there something that, when anyone tastes it, will immediately think of you?

9) Your special things – these can be anything: your hobby things, your musical instrument, your things from childhood you still drag around with you (have any old trophies, year books, models or dolls?), your tools, games, briefcase.  In other words, these are all the things that simply say “you” without ever saying a word.

10) Memories – what are the memories you leave with those who met you?  Are they happy memories?  Sad ones?  When people think of you do they do so with a smile or a frown?  Hint – if they remember you with a frown it may be time to rethink your life and how you live it

What else is there that retains a bit of you?  It’s possible that our worldly end can come so quickly, without any warning, that when it happens we are unprepared.  More than that, our friends and family are also unprepared.

Don’t leave a mess, don’t leave something that just brings sadness.  Help people smile when they remember you, because they will.  Wouldn’t you rather they have good memories than bad ones?   Walk softly and let the imprint be good.

So here I am, in my office staring out of a window as rain falls. In Southern California lately this qualifies as headline news.  Looking out I realize that I’m sitting in clouds as fog blankets the valley below me and it’s beauty is soft.  Beauty comes in a myriad number of packages of course, wrapped in many guises, played from any number of instruments.

Too often we have trouble recognizing beauty for what it really is when we see it every day.  Hey, a snore can be a beautiful sound if we have been in a silent, lonely bed for too long.                          

A few thoughts on beauty:

Beauty knows no age

Beauty knows no race

Beauty knows no religion

Beauty knows no ability

Beauty knows no color

Beauty is not disabled or handicapped

Beauty knows no gender

Beauty is not determined by job

Beauty is not based on a mirror

There is beauty in us. All of us. Where is the beauty in you?  We sometimes forget to glance inward but hopefully we know the beauty is still there even if it’s changed.  We just have to remember to look.

Shhh. Listen. Hear that faint “woo-hoo” sound? That’s all the moms and dads across the land cheering. School is back in session. Oh sure, some schools retuned earlier but for most students this is the grand back-to-class day.  That sound doesn’t last for long of course. Pretty soon the realization sinks in that the chauffeuring, the homework-helping, the teacher conferences, and the drama of school is headed at us at the speed of light. But for a brief, few moments go ahead. Luxuriate in the thought that you might just have an extra second or two to yourself (and the family pet who will miss them as soon as he wakes up).

Just bad luck

Have you ever wondered where we learned all the weird things we know?  I’m not talking about intellectual things or the knowledge one gets from school.  I’m speaking of all the strange or bizarre random stuff that ends up on a shelf in the brain.

For instance, there is the number thirteen.  It’s supposed to be bad luck. What about walking under a ladder?  That also brings bad luck.  There are so many things in life that bring both good and bad luck that it’s almost impossible to keep up with them all. And it’s all just so much nonsense anyway; those signs are practically too old to be relevant anymore.

We need some new bad luck signs, signs that have been created for life in the twenty-first century.  And who better to give you those new bad luck signs than me?  Read on, and learn to watch out for all of the new things that can lead to the worst luck imaginable (okay, not imaginable, but you get the idea).

Updated bad luck signs:

1. You get home and realize you don’t have your wallet, purse, phone. Where were you?
2. Green swimming pool water. Yes, it’s a Southern California thing, but still;
3. Drooling dogs about to jump on your lap;
4. Spiders;
5. Bees swarming outside your house;
6. Bats headed for your head;
7. The sound of a rattlesnake as you enter your bathroom late at night;
8. The sound of a rattlesnake any damn time;
9. The screeching of car tires behind you as you jog;
10. The sound of, “honey, could you…” (fill in the blank);
11. The words “trust me”;
12. The sound of your doorbell when you saw a salesperson next door a few minutes earlier;
13. The 15th time you hear “Mommy / Daddy I want” while in Toys ‘r us;
14. The sentence “Could I interest you in…” (another fill in the blank);
15. Someone saying, “The repair will only cost….” (and still one more fill in the blank);
16. The Health Department sign on the outside of a restaurant with the big letter B on it (run!);
17. It’s three in the morning and you’re on the freeway headed for Gila Bend, AZ (I’m kidding – no one goes to Gila Bend). According to Wikipedia: Gila Bend was “founded in 1872, in Maricopa County, Arizona, US. The town is named for an approximately 90-degree bend in the Gila River, which is close to but not precisely at the community’s current location.” When a town is named after a bend in a river that is just close to it, well, that kinda says it all;
18. A headache (what, you thought a headache was good luck? Okay, maybe if you were going to work and a headache made you stop for Tylenol, Advil, aspirin or a huge cup of 7/11 coffee and because of that you missed a monstrous traffic accident that would have made you late. Fine. But other than something like that, a headache is definitely bad luck);
19. Answering the phone and the person on the other end mispronounces your name (unless it’s my last name – no one can pronounce it – not even cousins). Ninety-nine percent of the time when that happens it’s a telephone solicitation thing. Someone wants to sell you something, wants you to donate something, someone wants something;
20. A knock on the front door by a young person wearing a tie;
21. Waking up in the morning after a horrible storm and the carpet is soaked (or waking up in the morning next to your big dog and…the carpet is soaked);
22. You wake up, drool on the pillow, your phone is on your chest and it’s out of power – never a good sign;

There are more examples of bad luck of course; everything is an example of bad luck; it’s all in how you read it. So: How do you read life?

There was a comedian from the South – Minnie Pearl – who would, on seeing someone she knew, holler out, “howdee!” While I’m not going to do something like that, let me say that it’s nice to be back.

I took quite a long break from this site letting other work – and life – get in the way. Shame on me. I’ll try to not let it happen again. Well, I’ll try.

So are you ready to celebrate (or try to avoid) the holidays? Coming at us full tilt are Christmas Eve, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s Eve and New Years Day. There are many more days of celebration or remembrance in December but I’ll stick with the ones that seem to generate the most activity. Or shopping.

So for the next few weeks we’ll be talking holidays, social media (and other fun things), and gearing up for 2017. I have a hunch there will be much to write about (yes, that is a wild example of understatement, thank you very much).